Today, I had the privilege of speaking with Poonam Mehra, a child psychologist and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) certified practitioner with over 16 years of experience in parenting counseling. Poonam’s journey began as a personality development coach, but when her clients, students, working professionals, and mothers started pouring their hearts out about parenting struggles, she found her true calling. Her philosophy is beautiful in its simplicity: when families become harmonious, there is peace in societies, communities, and the world at large.
As board exams sweep across India with 10th and 12th graders sitting for life-defining tests our conversation couldn’t have been more timely. Every year, we hear devastating stories: a teenager in Kota taking their life after exam pressure, a young student leaving a note saying “I’m sorry, Papa. I’m sorry, Mom.” Just recently, two boys aged 19 and 20 ended their lives because they couldn’t bear the weight of expectations.
This isn’t just about academics anymore. This is about survival.
Understanding the Anxious Mother-Anxious Child Connection
Before we dive into exam stress specifically, Poonam shared something that stopped me in my tracks: “Out of 10 mothers I meet, 10 are anxious.”
Every single one.
Their anxieties range from academics (my child doesn’t study, failed in math, hates science) to technology (screens have swallowed my child) to social pressures (my teenager wants an iPhone because everyone has one). But here’s what most parents don’t realize: if a mother is anxious, the child will be anxious.
“The umbilical cord connection doesn’t end at birth,” Poonam explained. “A mother’s thoughts, words, emotions, actions, vibrations, and feelings get transferred faster than lightning speed. If the child is anxious, a mother should see that clearly the child is my reflection, my mirror image.”
This is rooted in basic psychology and neuroscience. Children don’t just hear our words; they absorb our energy. They feel our tension in our touch, see our worry in our eyes, and internalize our fear as their own. Mirror neurons in their brains literally fire when they observe our emotional states, making them experience what we’re experiencing.
In NLP terms, we call this state transference. Your emotional state whether calm or chaotic transfers to your child unconsciously through your physiology, tone of voice, and behavior patterns.
So when we ask, “Why is my child so stressed about exams?” we need to first ask: “What stress am I carrying that they’re mirroring?”
The Daily Anxiety Cycle: From Morning to Night
Poonam painted a picture so familiar, it felt like she was describing every Indian household I’ve worked with:
Night: Mother is rushing. “Go sleep! Go sleep! Tomorrow you have to wake up early!” The child is under the blanket with a mobile phone. Parents are shouting. The child goes to sleep anxious and sleep-deprived.
Morning: “Some mothers tell me they pull their children out of bed and make them sit on the toilet seat. Some say they have to hit their child to wake them up. Some splash water on their face.”
Can you imagine? You’re deep in sleep, and suddenly you’re yanked out of bed, splashed with water, or hit. How would you feel? Angry. Violated. Definitely not ready to learn.
Getting Ready: The child is rushed through breakfast or skips it entirely. Shoelaces untied, running for the bus while mother shouts from the kitchen: “You’ll miss the bus! You’ll be late! You’ll be punished!”
Notice the language? All negative predictions. All fear-based.
The child spends 8-10 hours at school in this unproductive mental state, then comes home to: “Show me your diary. Show me your lunchbox. What did the teacher say?”
Poonam asked a brilliant question: “When your husband comes home from the office, do you immediately ask: ‘What did your boss say? Did you get your salary increment? What happened at work?’ No. You let him settle, offer water, show care. Why don’t children deserve the same respect?”
Then it’s straight to tuitions often against the child’s will. They come back to homework, dinner on a timeline, and sleep. Repeat. Every single day.
“How long can you practice this routine if it were applied to you?” Poonam challenged. “Get up, prepare breakfast for 20 people, do everything without help, without talking, working like a needle on a clock. How long can you do it?”
We can’t. Neither can our children.
What NLP Teaches Us About the Power of Words
Neuro-Linguistic Programming is based on a fundamental premise: the language we use shapes our reality and the reality of those around us.
Poonam shared a heartbreaking true story that perfectly illustrates this:
A 6-8 year old girl in class was struggling. She stared out the window, didn’t interact with peers, and seemed disconnected. In the staff room, teachers discussed her case and one concluded: “In a basket of fruits, there are always 20% rotten ones. Forget about her.”
A child. Written off. At six years old.
But one art teacher noticed her struggling to build blocks during recess. He watched without interfering. When she finally succeeded, she jumped with joy. He called the parents and asked the child privately: “How do your parents address you?”
Her answer: “They call me stupid all the time. I’m not able to do anything. I’m good for nothing.”
The teacher told the parents: “If you call your child stupid once, you must compensate for it by saying ‘I trust you, you can do it’ at least 20 times. That’s the law.”
This is the NLP ratio of positive-to-negative reinforcement. One negative statement creates a neural pathway of self-doubt that requires 20 positive affirmations to rewire.
The parents followed this advice. Years later, that “stupid” child became a successful medical professional.
In NLP, we understand that words are not just communication, they’re programming. When you repeatedly tell a child “you’re lazy,” “you’ll fail,” “you can’t do it,” you’re literally installing software in their subconscious mind that runs their behavior.
Your job as a parent? Install better software.
The Exam Season: Where NLP Becomes Your Greatest Tool
Right now, as board exams are happening across India, Poonam’s advice is both radical and simple: Stop trying to make your child study more.
“Even if I pressurize or instruct, I’m spoiling the situation, not adding to it. My job as a mom is to keep the child calm and relaxed as much as I can.”
Here’s what she recommends instead:
1. Use Affirmations to Rewire Belief Systems
This is the core NLP. Your subconscious mind doesn’t distinguish between what’s “real” and what’s repeatedly affirmed. If you tell yourself (and your child) 4,000 times a day: “My child is capable. My child is focused. My child is performing to their highest potential and passing with flying colors” your brain starts believing it.
And more importantly, your behavior shifts to match that belief.
You stop hovering. You stop criticizing. You start trusting. And your child feels that trust and rises to meet it.
Poonam’s instruction: “Even if you don’t believe it, fake it till you make it. Say it with conviction. Let it show in your actions, body language, and words.”
2. Create a Relaxation Ritual Before Exams
Instead of “study more, revise again, what if you forget?” Poonam suggests:
- Giving your child a head massage
- Cooking their favorite meal
- Watching something lighthearted together
- Practicing Shavasana (corpse pose) for complete body relaxation
- Talking about anything except the exam
“The child has studied for years. Now it’s time for the library up here (pointing to the head) to open the right page. You need to give that space to children.”
Scientific research backs this up. Studies show that students should not study 12-18 hours before an exam because the brain needs time to consolidate information. Rest and relaxation improve recall exponentially.
3. Reframe Your Language (The NLP Reframe Technique)
Instead of: “What if you fail?” Say: “You’ve prepared well. Trust your preparation.”
Instead of: “Don’t leave any question blank!” Say: “Even if you don’t know the perfect answer, write what comes to mind. Show your effort.”
Instead of: “You’ll be punished if you’re late.” Say: “Let’s leave a bit early so you feel calm and ready.”
In NLP, this is called linguistic reframing, changing the structure of a sentence to shift its emotional impact. Negative language activates the amygdala (fear center) in the brain. Positive, empowering language activates the prefrontal cortex (reasoning and confidence center).
Which part of your child’s brain do you want activated during an exam?
4. When They Return From the Exam: The 24-Hour Rule
“When your child comes back from the exam, don’t throw a question: ‘Show me the paper! What did you write?'” Poonam said firmly.
Instead: “Welcome the child. ‘You must be tired. Have some water. Take a rest.’ The child’s brain will get conditioned to perform better the next day.”
This is anchored in NLP associating exam experiences with positive emotions rather than interrogation and judgment. When a child returns to safety and warmth instead of criticism, they approach the next exam with less dread.
The Deeper Truth: Universal Potential vs. Parental Labels
One of the most beautiful concepts Poonam shared comes from her mentor’s teaching: equal and vast potential exists in every child.
“Rain never says, ‘I’ll fall more on big plants and less on small ones.’ The sun never says, ‘I’ll give more light to this tree than that one.’ Universal law is equal potential.”
But we don’t treat children this way. We compare. We label. We decide at age 6 or 10 or 15 that “this child is smart” and “that child is slow.”
Here’s what we forget: Did you train your child to suck milk? To turn over in 3 months? To sit, crawl, stand, walk?
No. You trusted the process. You encouraged every tiny milestone. When they fell, you clapped and said, “Come on, baby! Get up! You can do it!”
You never questioned their capability or yours. You instinctively knew they would learn.
What changed?
Society changed it. School systems changed it. Competition changed it. We started measuring worth by marks instead of character, by rank instead of resilience.
Poonam asked: “When your child was learning to walk, did anyone say, ‘Only the top 10% of babies will walk. The rest are failures’?”
Ridiculous, right? But that’s exactly how we treat academic performance.
Three NLP-Based Techniques Every Parent Should Practice
Based on my conversation with Poonam and my own experience as a child psychologist, here are three practical NLP techniques you can start today:
Technique 1: The Silence Practice (Managing Your State)
Poonam’s instruction is deceptively simple: Stay silent for 24 hours.
“Out of 24 hours, we sleep for 8, we’re away from kids for 7-8 hours. That leaves 7-8 hours. For your own benefit because you’re an anxious mother, try staying silent.”
Can’t do 24 hours? Try 2 hours. Or even 1 hour where you speak only essential, positive words.
Why does this work? In NLP, we know that changing behavior changes state. When you force yourself to pause before speaking, you interrupt automatic negative patterns. You become conscious of what you’re about to say. And consciousness creates choice.
You can make up any excuse: “My throat is aching. I have a headache.” Whatever gets you to practice silence.
In that silence, you’ll discover how much unnecessary criticism, fear, and control you were verbalizing. And in that discovery, you can start to change.
Technique 2: The 20:1 Affirmation Ratio
For every one negative statement (whether spoken to your child or thought about them), counter with 20 positive affirmations.
Called your child lazy? Say 20 times (out loud or in your mind):
- “My child is capable.”
- “My child is doing their best.”
- “I trust my child.”
- “My child will succeed.”
This isn’t toxic positivity. This is neuroplasticity literally rewiring your brain’s default pathways from criticism to encouragement.
And here’s the magic: when you change your beliefs about your child, your behavior automatically changes. You stop nagging. You start supporting. And your child feels that shift and responds to it.
Technique 3: The Client Meeting Approach (Respectful Presence)
Poonam’s analogy was perfect: “How do you have a meeting with a client? Mobile on silent. You sit quietly. You let the client talk first. You’re a listener.”
Apply this to your child.
When they come home from school or an exam:
- Put your phone aside (physically, in another room)
- Sit down at their level (eye contact, open body language)
- Let them talk first (don’t interrupt, don’t correct, don’t lecture)
- Listen like they’re your most important client (because they are)
- Jot down mental notes (understand their perspective before responding)
This is rapport building in NLP, matching and mirroring their energy, validating their experience, creating a safe space for authentic communication.
When a child feels truly heard, their stress naturally decreases.
The Kota Tragedy: What We’re Missing
When Poonam and I discussed the recent suicides in Kota young people ending their lives over exam pressure she said something that should be plastered on every coaching center wall:
“Failure in academics and exams is not failure in life. You have to remember: the child has to go long, and you are the medium to help the child reach there.”
But we’ve made exams into life-or-death situations. We’ve told children: one exam determines your worth, your future, your entire existence.
That’s not just false. It’s lethal.
The truth? There are countless examples throughout history of people who “failed” academically and became phenomenal successes. Einstein was considered slow. Edison was told he was “too stupid to learn anything.” Steve Jobs dropped out of college.
Read about mothers of legends Gandhi, Einstein, any great leader. You won’t find stories of pressure and criticism. You’ll find stories of belief, values, and unconditional support.
For Working Mothers: Releasing the Guilt
Before we wrapped up, I asked Poonam about working mothers who carry tremendous guilt about missing milestones, not spending enough time, and not being “present.”
Her answer was liberating: “Mother and guilt these two words should never go hand in hand. If your reason for working is clear in your head, there’s no place for guilt.”
She’s right. Whether you work outside the home or stay at home, you’ll find reasons to feel inadequate. Working mothers feel guilty for being absent. Stay-at-home mothers feel guilty for not contributing financially or not being “respected” enough.
Pros and cons are everywhere. The question isn’t quantity of time – it’s quality of presence.
“Even if you can give only 20 minutes to your child,” Poonam said, “make it count.”
A warm hug in the morning. A phone call during lunch asking how they’re feeling (not about homework). Dinner together without phones, where you treat the conversation like a client meeting listening, not lecturing.
This is what children remember. Not whether you were at every school event, but whether you were emotionally available when it mattered.
The Bottom Line: Exams Don’t Define Your Child’s Worth (And Neither Do You)
As we concluded, Poonam left me with this powerful reminder:
“When your child sees that ‘my mother trusts me, my father believes in me even if I’m not doing anything,’ somewhere compulsorily the child thinks: ‘I can’t break their trust. I have to perform.'”
This is the paradox of parenting: the more you try to control outcomes, the worse they get. The more you trust the process and your child’s inherent capability, the better they perform.
Your child doesn’t need your anxiety. They need your calm. They don’t need your doubt. They need your belief. They don’t need your criticism. They need your compassion.
And during exam season? They need you to:
- Stay calm yourself (practice silence, breathing, affirmations)
- Trust what they’ve already learned (stop last-minute cramming)
- Use empowering language (reframe fears into confidence)
- Create a safe space to return to (warmth, not interrogation)
- Remind them that one exam doesn’t define their life (because it doesn’t)
NLP gives us the tools. Child psychology gives us the understanding. But at the core, parenting during exams comes down to one simple truth:
A mother’s confidence can take a child to the sky. A mother’s doubt can bury them underground.
Which energy are you bringing to your home today?
A Personal Note to Parents in Exam Season
If your child is sitting for exams right now, I want you to try something tonight:
Go to them. Put your hand on their head. Look them in the eye and say:
“I trust you. You’ve worked hard. You’ve prepared well. Now it’s time to relax and let your mind do its work. No matter what happens in this exam, I’m proud of you. You are more than a grade. You are loved, you are capable, and you will be okay.”
Say it even if they roll their eyes. Say it even if you don’t fully believe it yet. Say it because they need to hear it and because saying it will start to rewire your own anxious patterns.
Exams will come and go. But the relationship you build with your child during these pressure moments? That lasts forever.
Choose wisely.
