There are conversations that change you. Conversations that crack open your heart, challenge your assumptions, and remind you what it truly means to be human. My recent podcast episode with Suvir Saran, a Michelin-starred chef, author, storyteller, writer, model and what not.
As we sat down this Diwali, surrounded by the warmth of festive lights, Suvir walked in wearing rings on all five fingers, beautiful bangles, and a stunning dupatta draped elegantly across his shoulders. His presence was magnetic not because of what he wore, but because of the profound authenticity he carried. This is a man who has learned to embrace every crack, every scar, every “toota-phoota” (broken) piece of himself and transform it into art, into love, into a message of hope.
What struck me most wasn’t just his courage to live openly as a gay man in a society that often fails to celebrate differences. It was his ability to turn pain into purpose, isolation into connection, and fear into the most beautiful, radical form of self-love I have ever witnessed.
This blog post is my attempt to share not just our conversation, but the lessons it holds for all of us, especially for parents navigating the complex journey of raising teenagers in a world that is still learning to accept diversity.
The Beauty of Being “Toota-Phoota”
Early in our conversation, I asked Suvir why he repeatedly refers to himself as “toota-phoota” , a broken, imperfect person. His answer was poetry:
“Kyunki main perfect nahi hoon. And I don’t claim perfection. Mere sapne hote hain, adhure reh jaate hain, kai sapne poore ho jaate hain. Kai mujhe mohabbat milti hai jinmein main bahut aage jaata hoon. Kai mujhe chhod ke chali jaati hai.”
(Because I’m not perfect. I don’t claim perfection. I have dreams, some remain incomplete, some are fulfilled. I receive love that takes me far, and sometimes that love leaves me.)
He explained that every loss, every heartbreak, every unfulfilled dream leaves a crack. But here’s the profound part: those cracks are where the light gets in. Those cracks can be mended, repaired, and when you join those broken pieces back together, you become whole in a way that perfection never could achieve.
This philosophy of embracing imperfection, of celebrating our broken pieces is something I believe every parent needs to internalize, especially when raising teenagers who are discovering their identities.
A Mother’s Love: The Foundation of Everything
One of the most moving moments in our conversation was when Suvir shared how he came out to his mother at age 20. From America, over the phone, he told her: “Mummy, mere mein kuch galti hai. Main gay hoon.” (Mom, there’s something wrong with me. I’m gay.)
His mother’s response? After an initial moment of concern (she thought he had hurt someone or committed a crime), she said simply: “Ismein galti kya hai? Yeh toh tum ho.” (What’s wrong with this? This is who you are.)
Let that sink in for a moment.
In a country where LGBTQ+ individuals face discrimination, violence, and rejection even from their own families. Suvir’s mother chose love. She chose acceptance. She chose her son.
Suvir credits his mother with teaching him the Advaita Vedantic principle of oneness that there is no duality in life. She taught him to be one with himself, with his situation, with his challenges, with his successes, and with his failures. She taught him that the same hands we use to gather happiness must also embrace, with equal grace, the things that break us. Because they are two sides of the same coin.
The Weight of Invisibility: Understanding Teen Mental Health in the LGBTQ+ Community
Suvir shared something haunting with me. As a child in Nagpur, he would hide behind his mother’s saree, terrified that if anyone discovered his truth, he would end up like the bodies he saw being carried to the cremation ground. He lived in constant fear not just of rejection, but of violence, of death.
The kitchen became his sanctuary. It was the one place where he could create, where he could make others smile, where he could do something without being judged. Cooking became his therapy, his safe cocoon in a world that felt unsafe.
Think about that. A five-year-old child, already carrying the weight of knowing he is different, already afraid he might not survive if anyone finds out.
This is not an isolated experience.
According to research, 54.5% of suicides in the LGBTQ+ community are directly linked to social pressure. LGBTQ+ youth are nearly five times more likely to attempt suicide compared to their heterosexual peers. They face higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and homelessness.
The question we must ask ourselves is: Why?
Suvir answered it beautifully: “Society theek hai. Hum insaan apni insaaniyat bhool gaye.” (Society is fine. We humans have forgotten our humanity.)
The problem isn’t that LGBTQ+ individuals are inherently troubled. The problem is that we as a society, as parents, as educators, as peers create an environment where they cannot safely be themselves. We create an environment where difference is punished rather than celebrated.
The Impact on Teen Mental Health:
Imagine being a teenager already navigating the troubles of identity formation, peer pressure, academic stress, and hormonal changes and adding to that the burden of hiding a fundamental part of who you are.
Imagine:
- Censoring yourself in every conversation
- Living in fear that someone will “find out”
- Seeing no representation of people like you in media, textbooks, or society
- Hearing slurs and jokes at your expense, even from adults you trust
- Wondering if your parents will still love you if they know the truth
- Contemplating whether life is even worth living
This is the reality for millions of LGBTQ+ teenagers around the world, including in India.
The mental health toll is devastating. These young people experience:
- Chronic stress and anxiety from hiding their identity
- Depression from feeling isolated and misunderstood
- Low self-esteem from internalizing society’s negative messages
- Suicidal ideation when they see no path forward
- Trauma from discrimination, bullying, and violence
What Parents Can Do:
1. Educate Yourself You don’t need to understand everything immediately, but you need to be willing to learn. Read books, watch documentaries, follow LGBTQ+ advocates, and most importantly, listen to your child.
2. Create a Safe Space at Home Make it clear—through words and actions—that your home is a judgment-free zone. Use inclusive language. Don’t make assumptions about your child’s future relationships. Challenge homophobic or transphobic remarks from family members.
3. Watch for Warning Signs If your teenager becomes withdrawn, stops eating, shows a sudden drop in grades, gives away possessions, or talks about hopelessness, take it seriously. These could be signs of suicidal ideation.
4. Respond with Love, Not Fear If your child comes out to you, your first response matters immensely. Even if you’re shocked or confused, lead with love. Say, “Thank you for trusting me with this. I love you. We’ll figure this out together.”
5. Get Professional Support Find LGBTQ+-affirming therapists, support groups, and resources. Organizations like The Humsafar Trust, Nazariya, and Swabhava provide support for LGBTQ+ individuals and their families in India.
6. Be Their Advocate Stand up for your child in family gatherings, schools, and social settings. Your public support tells them they are worth defending.
The Role of Schools and Colleges: Creating Inclusive Spaces
While parental acceptance is crucial, teenagers spend a significant portion of their lives in educational institutions. Schools and colleges have a profound responsibility and opportunity to create safe, inclusive environments for LGBTQ+ students.
Yet, in my experience as a psychologist and parenting expert, most educational institutions in India are failing in this regard. Many schools either ignore LGBTQ+ issues entirely or, worse, actively discriminate against these students.
This needs to change. Here’s how:
1. Comprehensive Sex Education
Most Indian schools offer minimal sex education, and when they do, it’s purely heteronormative. We need comprehensive sexuality education that includes:
- Different sexual orientations (gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual)
- Gender identity and expression
- Consent and healthy relationships
- Body positivity and self-acceptance
This education should start early (age-appropriate, of course) and should normalize diversity in human sexuality.
2. Anti-Bullying Policies
Schools must have clear, enforced policies against homophobic and transphobic bullying. This includes:
- Zero tolerance for slurs and derogatory language
- Serious consequences for harassment
- Support systems for victims
- Training for staff to recognize and intervene in LGBTQ+ bullying
3. Gender-Neutral Facilities
Simple changes like gender-neutral bathrooms and dress code flexibility can make a huge difference for transgender and non-binary students.
4. Support Groups and Resources
Schools should offer:
- GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) or similar support groups
- Access to LGBTQ+-affirming counselors
- Resource libraries with books and materials
- Workshops and awareness programs for all students
5. Teacher Training
Educators need training on:
- LGBTQ+ terminology and issues
- How to create inclusive classrooms
- How to support students who come out
- Their own biases and how to overcome them
6. Family Engagement
Colleges and schools should offer workshops for parents on supporting LGBTQ+ children, understanding gender and sexuality, and creating accepting home environments.
Why This Matters:
When schools create inclusive environments, the impact is profound:
- LGBTQ+ students experience better mental health outcomes
- Academic performance improves
- Bullying decreases
- Suicide rates drop
- ALL students learn empathy, acceptance, and critical thinking
Studies consistently show that LGBTQ+ students in supportive school environments are significantly less likely to attempt suicide, use substances, or experience depression.
“Bikhre Bikhre Taare Hain Hum”: We Are All Connected
During our conversation, Suvir sang the NCC anthem – a beautiful reminder of unity:
“Bikhre bikhre taare hain hum, lekin jhilmil ek hai.”
(We are scattered stars, but our sparkle is one.)
This is the truth we often forget. We focus so much on what makes us different from religion, caste, class, sexuality, gender that we forget what unites us: our shared humanity.
Suvir made a powerful distinction. He said society itself isn’t cruel. It’s the “gatekeepers” of society who appoint themselves as judges of who belongs and who doesn’t who create cruelty. Like Rizwan, the gatekeeper of paradise in Islamic tradition, who does not discriminate, we too should open our doors to all.
When we control others, when we insist everyone must fit into our narrow definitions of “normal,” we diminish ourselves. We lose the richness that diversity brings.
The Message We Must Share
Suvir spoke directly to young LGBTQ+ individuals who are afraid to come out:
“Accept we are gay people. We are made different. We are not choosing to be.”
No one chooses their sexual orientation or gender identity any more than they choose their height or eye color. These are fundamental aspects of who we are.
He emphasized that being gay doesn’t mean being deficient or broken. It means being human, being unique, being part of the beautiful tapestry of human diversity.
To those who cannot yet speak their truth, Suvir said: “Unki aawaz bhi humein banna hai.” (We must become their voice too.)
This is a call to action for all of us LGBTQ+ and allies alike. Where there is injustice, we must speak up. Where there is darkness, we must bring light. Where there is isolation, we must create community.
Love: The Thread That Connects Everything
Throughout our conversation, one theme emerged again and again: love.
Love is why Suvir’s mother accepted him unconditionally. Love is what he expresses through his cooking and writing. Love is what he searches for in relationships. Love is what he believes will ultimately triumph over hatred.
When I asked him to describe love in one word, he shared a beautiful Urdu couplet:
“Mohabbat tere anjaam pe rona aaya, jaane kyun aaj tere naam pe rona aaya.”
Love, Suvir explained, is everything: the joy and the heartbreak, the dreams and the disappointments, the magic and the mundane. It’s what makes us human. Without it, we are nothing.
What I Learned: Reflections from This Conversation
Sitting with Suvir was like being in the presence of a living paradox: someone who has experienced profound pain yet radiates joy, someone who has been broken yet is somehow more whole than most “intact” people I know.
His wisdom comes not from books or theories, but from lived experience. He has walked through fire and emerged not unscathed, but transformed.
Here’s what I’m taking away from our conversation:
1. Authenticity is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others.
When we stop pretending, stop performing, stop trying to fit into boxes that were never meant for us, that’s when we truly begin to live.
2. Our cracks are where the light gets in.
The Japanese art of Kintsugi repairs broken pottery with gold, making it more beautiful than it was before. That’s what embracing our brokenness makes us luminous.
3. Acceptance begins at home.
Parents have immense power to shape their children’s self-worth. Use that power wisely.
4. Silence is complicity.
When we witness injustice and say nothing, we become part of the problem. Speak up. Be the voice for those who cannot yet speak.
5. Love is not a finite resource.
Loving someone who is different from you doesn’t diminish you. It expands you. It makes you more human, not less.
The Lesson for Parents
Our children don’t need us to be perfect. They need us to be real. They need to see that we, too, have cracks, that we’ve survived heartbreaks and failures, and that those experiences made us stronger, not weaker.
When we hide our vulnerabilities from our teenagers, we inadvertently teach them that being human with all its messiness is something to be ashamed of. But when we model acceptance of our own imperfections, we give them permission to accept theirs.
And here’s the most crucial truth: Your response to your child’s truth will shape their entire life.
When a teenager comes out whether about their sexual orientation, gender identity, mental health struggles, or any other deeply personal truth they are offering you their most vulnerable self. They are saying, “This is who I am. Do you still love me?”
Your answer to that question, spoken or unspoken, will determine whether they grow up feeling whole or forever fractured. Whether they learn to love themselves or spend a lifetime trying to become someone they’re not.
Suvir’s mother gave him the greatest gift a parent can give: unconditional acceptance. She didn’t make it about her discomfort, her fears, or what society would think. She made it about him, about seeing him, truly seeing him, and loving what she saw.
So love your children for who they are, not who you want them to be. Love them when they succeed and when they fail. Love them when they make you proud and when they disappoint you. Love them when they tell you truths that make you uncomfortable. Love them especially when they need it most.
Because real, unconditional, steadfast love is the foundation upon which healthy, confident, compassionate human beings are built.
Final Thoughts
Meeting Suvir was a gift. His courage to live authentically, his generosity in sharing his story, and his unwavering commitment to lifting others up reminded me why I do this work.
As parents, we hold our children’s futures in our hands. We can either give them wings to soar or weights to carry. We can either light their path or obscure it. We can either teach them to love themselves or spend their lives seeking that love elsewhere.
The choice is ours.
And as I learned from Suvir’s mother, that brave, beautiful woman who chose love over fear the right choice is always, always love.
