A University of Michigan poll found that nearly half of all parents have experienced parenting-style disagreements with grandparents. United Nations data from 2019 also shows that in nearly one in four Asian households, grandparents live with their grandchildren. Put those two facts together, and it’s clear why this is one of the most common tensions I hear about in my practice, especially among the South Asian families I work with.
If you’ve ever felt torn between respecting your parents or in-laws and protecting the way you want to raise your own child, please know this: you are not being disrespectful, and you are not overreacting.
Why This Conflict Feels So Different From Other Family Tensions
Disagreements with grandparents carry a unique emotional weight. Unlike a conflict with a friend or colleague, this usually involves people you love deeply, who often genuinely believe they’re helping, and whose approval matters to you.
In joint family households especially, these aren’t occasional visits where you can simply let something go. These are daily, lived-in differences, about discipline, screen time, food, sleep training, or how “soft” or “strict” a child should be raised.
The Most Common Sources of Friction
In my sessions, a few patterns come up again and again:
Discipline style disagreements, where one generation sees firmness as respect and the other sees it as harshness.
“The way we used to do things” comments, especially around sleep, feeding, or screen time, where newer research contradicts older practices.
Undermining parenting rules in front of the child, which is often the most painful pattern, because it can make a child feel confused about whose rules actually apply.
Feeling unable to speak up, particularly for daughters-in-law, who may feel their opinions carry less weight in the family hierarchy.
Why “Just Set a Boundary” Isn’t Always Simple Advice
A lot of generic parenting content tells you to simply set firm boundaries. In joint family systems, this advice often misses the reality that you’re not just managing one relationship, you’re managing an entire family ecosystem, including your partner’s role as a bridge between generations, and the emotional cost of conflict in a household you share every single day.
This is exactly why family counselling, rather than a one-size-fits-all boundary script, tends to work far better here.
How Family Counselling Helps Navigate This With Respect
In sessions with families facing this, we typically focus on:
Clarifying the parenting partnership first. Before addressing grandparents, my work often starts with helping both parents get fully aligned, so they present a united, calm front rather than one parent feeling like they’re fighting this battle alone.
Finding language that honors respect and protects your child. We work on phrasing that acknowledges a grandparent’s love and experience while still holding a clear line, something like explaining the “why” behind a choice rather than simply overriding them.
Understanding the difference between preference and safety. Not every disagreement needs the same level of firmness. Sleep safety or medical guidance deserves a hard boundary. A difference in feeding preference might deserve more flexibility.
Supporting the partner caught in the middle. Often, one spouse is emotionally squeezed between their parent and their partner. Family counselling gives this person tools to advocate for their child without feeling disloyal to their own parent.
What I Often Tell the Parent Caught in the Middle
If you’re the adult child in this situation, caught between your parent and your partner, I know this position can feel exhausting and unfair. You may feel pressure to defend your own parent’s intentions while also validating your partner’s frustration, and it can seem like there’s no way to do both without upsetting someone.
This role matters more than people realise. When you clearly and calmly back your partner’s parenting decisions in front of your own parents, it does two important things: it protects your child’s sense of consistency, and it tells your partner they are not alone in this family. This doesn’t mean cutting off your parents or dismissing their love and experience. It simply means being the steady bridge that holds both relationships with respect, while keeping your child’s wellbeing at the centre.
You Can Love Your Family and Still Protect Your Parenting Choices
These two things are not in conflict, even though it often feels that way in the moment. Respecting your elders and trusting your own instincts as a parent can coexist, especially once everyone has a clearer, calmer way to talk about it.
